still breathing

Of all her attempts to numb it, she couldn’t make it go away. There was no sign of relief at the end of the day. She searched for rest, but instead settled for just the idea of being at peace. Hiding behind busyness and responsibilities, she desperately made an effort to distract her mind from what her heart was enduring. It left her exhausted.

The silence that she used to welcome now was the thorn in her side. With no noise and nothing else to serve as a diversion, she trembled with apprehension. She was afraid to be alone with him. The longing that she once had for him had diminished and was replaced with fear. She dodged his glances but couldn’t help but notice that his eyes never left hers. She couldn’t look him in the eye for fear that he would see right through her lies. All she could think about was the silent judgment he would cast on her as she stood there exposed of all the things she tried so hard to hide. He had a way of illuminating her hurt, and she was not welcoming of it. It would be harder to disguise it. She had tried to ignore it. Thinking that maybe it would be pushed farther and farther into the crevices of her heart where it would be difficult to find…even for him. There was power in his presence though. She couldn’t understand it, but as they both sat in silence she was becoming more aware of the aching pain in her chest. 

 “I can’t give you this” she whispered as he stood up to make his way towards her.

He didn’t respond, but instead reached for her hand and pulled her towards his chest. Intertwining her fingers with his, his wounded palm collapsed into hers as he whispered back,

“It’s already mine. And so are you.”

Philippians.
I’ve read it several times. But now that I’m really studying it, there’s so much more to it than the infamous, “I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me” verse.

Yes everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God’s law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
-Philippians 3:8-9

It’s no lie that this book is one of Paul’s most positive letters. So I suppose that I began re-reading it to be encouraged. But this time, conviction seems to be the feeling that has become more dominant.

I want to live as if I can’t live without Him.

“Maybe faith has less to do with gaining knowledge and more to do with causing wonder. Maybe a relationship with God doesn’t simplify our lives. Maybe it complicates our lives in ways that they should be complicated…sin will complicate your life in ways that it shouldn’t be complicated. One way or the other, life is complicated.”
-In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day

It’s complicated. I think God prefers it that way.

This isn’t one of those books.

I’ll go ahead and be a little honest.

God and I haven’t been doing so hot. And I feel like that’s inexcusable when so much of me is wanting to be a good influence for the youth at the Vine and allow God’s love for them be apparent through how I love them.

Sometimes I feel more afraid of God than loved by Him. Did I just say that? yep.

I want to be passionate about whatever I’m doing and I want it to be where God wants me. I believe God is huge. Absolutely. But what if He’s so big that He calls me to something I can’t measure up to? Or what if I miss my calling because I’m not paying attention?

I find myself being more afraid of what He can do and not so much of what I think He can’t.

“Our ultimate destiny is determined by whether or not we seize the God-ordained opportunities presented to us. If we seize those opportunitites, the dominos continue to fall and create a chain reason. But if we miss those opportunities, we short-circuit God’s plan for our lives. That doesn’t mean we should live in fear that we’ll somehow miss the will of God. He’ll keep giving us second and third and fourth chances.”

“Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear.”
-1 John 4:18

More later…this wears me out

He had begun to feel this incredible sense of yearning. An overwhelming feeling of surrender had started to set in.

Surviving wasn’t his purpose. Life produces life. His God had already claimed victory, but so soon had he forgotten.

He began to wonder if he lived victoriously, how different things would be. Victory would allow him to live with passion. Pursue holiness. Believe that there was more. Confidence to live beyond just today. And courage to trust that God knew what He was doing. So many things would change if he could just trust in truth. But the risk scared him. His apathy made him nervous. His insecurities left him unsure. He was unsure if he could get past them. Unsure if they were conquerable. Unsure if God still had a place for him despite him rebellion. Just plain unsure.

He wanted to live to give life until he had nothing left to give.

I feel out of place for feeling this way at Christmas. It’s something that I tried to ignore, but cannot.

For the past few years my family and I have gone to Atlanta to feed the homeless. Regardless if you’re a Christ-follower or not,  helping those less fortunate than yourself on a day when it’s easier to chill at home with the new toys Santa brought brings makes you feel some sort of satisfaction about yourself. Maybe it makes you happy to help. Maybe it humbles you. Maybe it’s a good deed that qualifies you as a good Christian.

This year it was different. I felt little joy going downtown. There were men who approached us smiling and exclaiming that they were blessed on Christmas day to recieve a warm coat and a sandwich, while others hid farther down in their blankets in emberassment as they refused our offer.

I stared out the window in silence as we pulled away from each starving soul. 

It didn’t settle well with me.

Maybe they had an addiction. Lost a job. Foreclosed on a home. Lost their family.
It could happen to anyone.

They don’t deserve to be where they’re at. And I don’t deserve to be in the position I’m in.

We dropped off water, food an clothes…and it may help them get through the day…but what about beyond that? We leave and get back on the interstate to head back to our lives of luxury and pat ourselves on the back for being a good person.

It didn’t make me feel good. Not this time.

My heart hurts thinking that real people with living souls are living to make it through the day. And here I am at times simply doing a routine from day to day because I’ve become too apathatic. For many who are homeless, they are just existing. Trying to stay alive. Sometimes I find myself living that way by choice.

Looking through the backseat window in silence, I somehow felt I had expereinced a small fraction of how God must feel.

It’s not an occasional act of kindness to help the oppressed, it’s a responsibility.

Respond.