Dirty Part Four
Her body froze as her hearts once steady and habitual beat began to speed up rapidly. This feeling was more than she could take as she quietly tried to hold her breath to keep her cries silent. She could see the stained glass window out of the corner of her eye, and it served as reminder that the yearning was still there. She held on tightly, keeping her arms crossed across her body with her knees pulled to her chest. Never did she expect to find herself in this place, but desperate times called for her silent desperate pleas to finally be made audible. The life that she had grown accustomed to was the very thing that was slowly suffocating her, and her means of dealing with it in solitude only proved to speed up the process of a slow suicide of her soul. She sealed her eyes shut as she tried to hold back the inevitable, but it was no use. It was happening anyway. The very thing she feared.
She couldn’t fight it anymore, and she didn’t want to. The fight had become more painful and exhausting than the battle itself. Her arms slowly unfolded as she moved to lay face down on the sanctuary floor. She clenched her eyelids tighter as her face hit the carpet, but it was no use. It was happening, and it was long overdue. The breath that she was holding exited her body in the form on sobbing as the tears streamed down her face. Tears that had been suppressed by the shame and fear of it all had made their way to the surface from years of being buried. Tears that only God himself could hear as they hit the floor like a flood. She lay between the pews until she felt safe enough to bring herself to do what she knew was her last resort. The salt burned her eyes if she opened them, so she kept them locked as she lifted her head and whispered, “I need You.”
