still breathing

Sometimes the things she tried so hard to forget were the very things she needed to remember. There had to be a reason why it wasn’t going away. Her attempts to simply try and neglect the memories proved to be a failed tactic for forgetting but a successful one for making it worse. There had to be a reason why she couldn’t shake the images she fell asleep with at night. There were reminders that followed her everywhere she turned. However, it wasn’t a haunting like it had been in the past. The chains weren’t as tight as before, but they were certainly still there, just in a different form. It wasn’t the memory itself that was holding her captive. It wasn’t the injustice of it all that was tightening its grip. Somehow along the way of trying to find redemption on her own, she had stumbled across the even more painful truth. She was forming new shackles before the old ones had an opportunity to be released. The more she tried to cover the wound, the more damage she was inflicting on the healing process.

Never thought I’d need you like this

I pledged silence since the day we met

And I’m not one to compromise on my word

But my word isn’t something I miss

And if we’re going to break the silence

It’s safe to say that we can’t continue on like this

Never thought I’d want you so badly

I can recall avoiding you at all costs

But the cost of being without you

Has proven to be a greater loss

Don’t quote me on this

Because I’m prone to inconsistency

But at this point I’d go as far to say

That if the offer still stands

This time I’d like you to stay

Remind me how we got here

So far from our intentions

This isn’t what I had in mind

After all of those nights

Of trying to leave you behind

Funny how things change

Everything I wanted to lose

Is everything I need to find

This goes out to you

I’ve been absent for so long

That I’ve failed to notice

What I’ve missed since being gone

This goes out to you

Thank you for holding on

I never planned to need you like this

I never wanted this…

The harder she tried to forget, the easier it was to remember. For what it was worth, she wasn’t angry towards him. She had no reason to be. She was too young to understand, but the memories themselves are enough to make her ache. For whatever reason, she couldn’t muster up the energy to be upset with him. She had spent precious years living as a prisoner, but she couldn’t waste the hurt on him. There was no bitterness to throw his way…only questions. What could cause a man to commit such a crime towards humanity? And what possessed her to think that she was immune to such crimes?
Never would she be the same.

Hours were spent trying to rationalize how to handle life from that point on. There were nights when she thought the morning would never come, and other nights when she prayed that it wouldn’t. She hated it, but she refused to hate him. Deserving of it, he may be, but she was a firm believer in practical living and it made little sense to carry him around with her.  Turns out practicality wasn’t in the cards for her. Not a day went by without her mind wandering back in time. The hurt didn’t throb at the same intensity as before. It had evolved. She accredited it to the numbness. She had prayed not to feel it anymore, but God must have had other plans.

She didn’t blame him. Dirt was dirt, regardless of how it got there. Traces of it lingered within her. Her eyes could tell stories if you were willing to listen. But she chose silence; for fear that the filth of her past and sometimes her present, would scare off those that were clean.