Saturday, June 28, 2008

Drive

She had no real reason to be out. It was late, and for everyone else the night was over. Everyone else but her. Her fuel gauge was almost at empty, but she didn’t care. She missed her usual turn to head back home. It was no accident. After an evening spent surrounded by a thousand souls, home didn’t seem so comfortable tonight. She couldn’t find refuge in the porch light staying on. So she kept going. Driving through a town that was all too familiar, tonight she imagined it as a foreign land that she could get lost in. Getting lost to get found. She learned that she needed these moments. Moments that forced her to be alone with thoughts that she typically pushed to the side. That song would play, and she would put it on repeat so she could relive the lyrics again and again. But she kept it low, because she knew how easily she was distracted, and she couldn’t let this rare occasion slip away. She knew that these were her most honest moments. Nobody to impress and nobody to judge the things that she typically left unspoken. Tonight freedom was coming in the form of an unguarded heart and two hands on the wheel.
Posted by heather at 05:31:02 | Permalink | No Comments »

Monday, June 16, 2008

Worlds Apart

These streetlights aren’t as bright as they used to be. Luckily I’ve walked these streets a thousand times. I can find my way in the darkness. But you. You’ve changed. I hardly recognize you. You clean up well, don’t you? We used to be worlds apart. Steady, driven, and confident, you always knew what you wanted. And what you wanted was me. I was the object of your affection. I never understood why. Practical but always day dreaming, I was never satisfied. Always thinking, but could rarely share my thoughts with you. You always knew how to communicate smoothly. I admired you for that, but that just wasn’t me. I was complex. And when we were together, we were just complicated. All the while, you still knew what you wanted. I wanted you back, but I didn’t deserve you.

Seeing you now still makes me lose by breath. I played it out in my head how this conversation would go if we ever ran into each other. I didn’t think it would happen, but here we are now. I figured the awkward silence would speak volumes about where we left off. Nothing to talk or reminisce about, because we’re just too different. You proved me wrong. What’s happened to you? Your words aren’t as black and white. I can’t hear the undertones in your voice as clear as before.  Is that honesty coming from your lips? You’re so much sexier when you’re not trying to impress. It looks like we may be more similar than I had thought. If this is the real you…then let me try honesty for a moment.


You intimidated me. I felt so imperfect and messy compared to you. I couldn’t let you love me because you always had it together. Always strong. Always brave. Always everything. But for one night, I wanted the roles to be reversed. Me holding you instead of you always holding me. For one night I wanted  you to share your heart with me, and not your intellect. And tonight is what I’ve waited for. Because for the first time, I don’t feel below you. This whole time all I’ve wanted was to know that you were broken just like me. I didn’t want to always hear your plans, or your philosophies on life. I wanted you to get angry at the injustice you saw on the news, instead of turning the other way and accepting it as reality. I wanted you to hurt. I wanted you to for once, not be certain of everything in your life. Don’t be so sure of yourself. I wanted to see you break, just to know that inside you had a bleeding heart like mine. For one night I didn’t want to feel inferior to you. I wanted you to be honest…because only then would it give me permission to return the favor.  That one night is here. I don’t need you to always be strong. I don’t want you to be emotionless. Be a wreck with me. Let’s be imperfect together.

Posted by heather at 05:18:37 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The students at Hi-Def blow my mind.
The Lord blows my mind through them.
Like seriously.

Hydration was huge. The beach was awesome. Worship was incredible. And God showed up, as promised.

I’m typically better at expressing things on paper(or computer screen) than I am at talking about it, but this is not the case. I’m having a difficult time re-capping all of what went down at Hydration, so this is the best I can do.

I am passionate about the kids at Hi-Def. I talk to Jesus about them daily and anxiously wait until the next time I get to see their faces. During those times that I wish the day would just go by faster so that I can fall asleep and forget everything, the very thought of them gives me joy. My heart breaks when they’ve been hurt, and I will find myself weeping uncontrolablly after talking with them about some of the things they are going through.

Regardless of what my “job description” was for this retreat, for three days the Lord ministered to MY heart through those youth. Honesty is an attribute that I highly, highly, highly value in other people. It is something that I am not very good at, and find it the most challenging. I admire those who can be honest.

Hydration was a weekend of just that. The way that those kids share their hearts, and are just transparent about what’s going on inside their head speaks volumes about how God is working in their lives. Their honesty is not only challenging, but really convicts my heart of the freedom that can come if we just let go.

Let go.

Posted by heather at 06:07:59 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Friday, June 6, 2008

update? nope.

we’ve been back from Hydration for a few days now, but I can’t bring myself to properly write a synopsis of the weeked.

so I think I’ll procrastinate a bit longer.

in the mean time, you should check out some Damien Rice

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy

Posted by heather at 05:14:16 | Permalink | Comments (1) »