still breathing

Things change so much. The things that you were once so confident in now bring about the most doubts.
The person who used to give you butterflies is long gone, and you find a new set of butterflies from somebody you didn't expect.
And sometimes you look in the mirror and realize that the person you want to be isn't even close to the reflection you see.
The things that you swore wouldn't change you, did indeed.
The places that you promised to never re-visit have started to become familar again.

Sometimes I think one of the hardest things for me to grasp about God, is that He is constant when everything else isn't. When nothing is truly promised in this life, somehow He says His promises will never be broken. And yet, I find trusting the most trustworthy one the hardest to trust.

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.
-Psalm 9:10

Do you know what I mean?

Reality has become something we hate. Is our existence that unsatisfying? We try everything we can to step out of ourselves for just a moment. We spend hours getting lost in TV shows and movies wishing for the sake of letting our imagination wander through the screen to be something else…to be somebody else. We don’t want our lives. There too much to handle. Or maybe they’re not enough.

We live by song lyrics because they beckon our souls to embrace what something outside of ourselves have to offer. Take a hit of your favorite drug. The high may only last for a few minutes but somehow it’s worth it if it’s means for an escape. And do it again. And again. And again. If we can’t handle it we choose to numb whatever potential may be left. It’s not so much the activities that we should condemn, but rather understand the tragic state of the human condition. We can’t live with ourselves.
 
Drink it down instead. Sleep with more people to avoid boredom. We’re grasped the fact that when we surrender a part of ourselves we feel more alive; yet we’re surrendering all of the wrong things to all the wrong people. We convince ourselves we’re worth more when we give more away. We all have our addictions. What’s yours? Something to consume our heads and destroy our bodies, but ultimately leaving the cry of our souls unanswered.

The thought that there’s a better way doesn’t seem to exist, and to look elsewhere would be to venture into unknown territory. If there is more than this, fear will keep us from even touching it. For all we know, this is our existence. This is all were meant for. Reality is too much, or maybe it’s not enough.

Twenty has a funny ring to it. I'm a bit dissapointed that my teenage years are over. I like being a teenager. I could do teenage things because it was expected.

Like:

Parking in the neighborhood behind the high school because sophmores weren't allowed to drive to school ...and we were just too cool for that. Most mornings you could find us sprinting in the freezing cold to make it to class on time...but everyone was jealous because we were just SO freakin cool to be the sophmores that we're driving ourselves.

Skipping frist period every Friday morning to go to waffle house...and eventually getting Saturday School for it. We didn't learn our lesson...we went to Waffle House BEFORE heading to Saturday school. Oops.

Driving to Athens on school nights and getting lost on the way home EVERY time.

Quoting innappropiate Anchorman movie lines to my very attractive math teacher...and him returning the favor.

Night driving after football games with a favorite boy and taking the long way home just to spend an extra few minutes together.


Twenty means that you have to start doing grown up things.
Like not laugh a the wrong time.
Pay rent.
Go to bed earlier. Wake up earlier.
Not listen to my music as loud.

I think I'm better at the teenage things.

Of all her attempts to numb it, she couldn’t make it go away. There was no sign of relief at the end of the day. She searched for rest, but instead settled for just the idea of being at peace. Hiding behind busyness and responsibilities, she desperately made an effort to distract her mind from what her heart was enduring. It left her exhausted.

The silence that she used to welcome now was the thorn in her side. With no noise and nothing else to serve as a diversion, she trembled with apprehension. She was afraid to be alone with him. The longing that she once had for him had diminished and was replaced with fear. She dodged his glances but couldn’t help but notice that his eyes never left hers. She couldn’t look him in the eye for fear that he would see right through her lies. All she could think about was the silent judgment he would cast on her as she stood there exposed of all the things she tried so hard to hide. He had a way of illuminating her hurt, and she was not welcoming of it. It would be harder to disguise it. She had tried to ignore it. Thinking that maybe it would be pushed farther and farther into the crevices of her heart where it would be difficult to find…even for him. There was power in his presence though. She couldn’t understand it, but as they both sat in silence she was becoming more aware of the aching pain in her chest. 

 “I can’t give you this” she whispered as he stood up to make his way towards her.

He didn’t respond, but instead reached for her hand and pulled her towards his chest. Intertwining her fingers with his, his wounded palm collapsed into hers as he whispered back,

“It’s already mine. And so are you.”

Well. I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block for this whole blog deal. 

Any ideas?

Apparently my dear friend Shawn Lesko has a difficult time reading my blog. Now that I have written two posts back to back in first person, I hope to win him back.

I thought about never getting to Part Two and hoping it would just be forgotten about. But since I caught some sort of Colombian fever, I have no way of claiming that I don't have time to write. So, you know...so much for avoidance.

I'll throw out a big of honesty.
And I'll try to keep it brief.

My perception of God is skewed. I can read a thousand verses a day about God's love and grace, but in my mind, I have still developed an image of God that is not very accurate of who He is. And with that, my perception of myself has become skewed as well.
I have a difficult time believing that my heart is good. And an even more difficult time believing that the Lord thinks I am good. So I find myself trying to prove to Him that I'm worth His love.

This has been a struggle for quite a while, but I try to put it on the back burner because I know they're more important things to worry about. Apparently it's a bigger deal that I thought. God revealed to me that the reason I was so distraught about not serving in the capactiy that I had hoped while in Bogota, was because I felt that my worth had sunk down a couple levels.

It wasn't until the last day at the airport did I really get it.

The ten of us that flew down to Bogota, were complete strangers. The only thing we had in common was that we all worked for CFA.
And somehow, I found myself being more honest with strangers than I am with those closest to me back home in the States...especially one stranger in particular.

I became good friends with this guy, Caleb, from Alabama. We got along really well, and had similar humor which is just fun. One distinct difference, however, is that he loves to talk. Not like the annoying kind, just that he's very wise and can speak truth into any situation...so he always has something to say. Luckily, I prefer listening, so I suppose that's why we got along so well.

Anyways...
On our flight from Miami to Atlanta, me and Caleb got to talking...
He shared some of his story and I shared a little of mine.
and I swear it was like Jesus Christ himself had reached through my chest and grabbed my heart and to held it in his hand for the two hours we were on that plane.  

God didn't want me to be a leader in Colombia, because He knew it would just be another opportunity where I thought I had to try to prove myself, and that's not what I needed. That's not what the Colombians needed, that's not what the 9 other Americans needed...that's not what God needed.

He needs me to be honest.

I'm not very good at it, because I don't practice it enough.

I love the kids at Hi-Def more than I could ever love myself, and I'll show them only what I want them to see...
And it's exahusting.
And everyday when I pray about them, I also pray that I would be whatever the Lord wants me to be for them.
Apparently what they don't need is an intern who has it all together because sometimes what we all need isn't somebody to walk infront of us to pull us along, but somebody to walk beside us and expereince struggle and redemption together.

As Caleb spoke truth into my life, I quietly sat and sobbed in my plane seat...overwhelmed by how life changing God's love can be if I would allow it.

Internet Explorer decided to freeze up on me right when I had finished writing about Colombia...and it deleted everything I wrote. It almost made me cuss.
After taking a deep breath, I began to re-type all that I could remember, and as I was half way through, Starbucks decides to close. I was royally hacked off.

So with that said, I can now move on and perhaps successfully blog about Colombia AGAIN. It is after all 4:00am and I can't sleep.

Have you ever been to that place where you just can't find the words to do justice to what your heart is screaming? Life is kinda like that right now.

God really messed me up this week...and not in the way I assumed it would happen.
I've been on a handful of mission trips, so my expectation was that this one would be similar. My prayer leading up to the trip was that I would only focus on serving the teenagers that we were gonna be hanging out with, and really investing in them and showing them Jesus. I was expecting to do hands on things. And talk about Jesus with them. And have "spiritual" things happen. You know, like when you come home from a mission trip with that sort of satisfaction of really encountering God through serving other? That's what I wanted.

Sometimes we don't get what we want.

By the end of the week I was owned by guilt. I was a leader of pretty much nothing, and felt like I hadn't made any difference for anybody. I didn't know too much about the camp that we were doing with the teenagers, accept that we would be teaching them leadership skills centered around the S.E.R.V.E model that CFA uses. It was more of a character building camp, and my only real responsibility was to be in the camp alongside the kids...not leading discussions or really teaching.

I didn't understand, until I really sat down and had a chat with Jesus(hey-zeus-the cordinator of the camp) about the vision of Operation Reconcilliation. He explained that Colombia does not have the same opportunities that America does. There is no free enterprise or encouragement to begin your own business. Education is difficult to come by because college is so expensive. Teenagers cannot really work until they are around the age of twenty, because there are issues with child explotation. It can be discouraging to grow up in an enviornment like that. His passion is to empower young people. His vision is for Colombia as a whole to be transformed by raising up the next generation to have hope for something more than just becoming a farmer or street vender to survive. His vision is to meet the physical needs of young people, in order to get to their heart.


The camp isn't advertised as a "Chrisitian" camp, because halfof the kids wouldn't come. It's focus is more on character building, and along the way it is emphasized that regardless of success or failure, God is the only true fullfillment in life.
There was one 15 year old boy who was a pretty self-proclaimed Athiest. He didn't bash any of the refrences that were made to God, but it was pretty clear that he wasn't buying into it.

Him along with 5 other kids gave their life to Christ.
And at the last meal we had as a group, we asked who wanted to bless it, and he replied, "I'll say the blessing...how do I do it?"

I'll never forget that.

It wasn't about me. It wasn't about what I could do or how well I could lead or serve. It was about the Kingdom of God stretching beyond the U.S border and beyond the cultural barriers and embracing the fact that He will do what He needs to do regardless.

Alright...that's all I got for part one. Part two is a bit more...personal so be patient, it may take a day or two more to figure out how to put it into words without scaring off the all of 2 readers I have. :)

Love.