still breathing

She reached for the covers that he had pulled down to her feet. She couldn’t bring her eyes to meet his, for fear of what hers may give away. She pulled them up above her head and let them fall over her body. She liked to pretend that they hid her well, but she knew her mind was only entertaining the thought that she could actually fool him. Her heart knew the truth.

She felt the coolness of the sheets outline the shape of her as they fell lightly on her skin. She shut her eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing.Counting her breaths, she tried to divert the raging voices in her head. She had always been so good at maintaining her composure, and she was not going to risk losing it now. She slowly opened her eyes, and through the sheets she saw a shadow just feet away from her bed. She quickly shut them and began to try to talk herself out of it. But her reasoning couldn’t deny the silhouette that was lingering by her bed. She promised herself she would lay still, beneath the covers until he left. She swore that she wouldn’t give in, but she knew that the night would be a long one. Because he wasn’t going anywhere.

She tried to take off her cynicism and hardness to allow them to get a glimpse of what she knew only existed for them. But when they left her, without a second thought, she tangled herself in the sheets of guilt and condemnation. Covered with the fate that she knew was hers. Covered with whatever would shield her from the sting of letting them see. Of letting herself see. That this wasn’t working. Grace could not be offered from the same lips that refused to accept it. Her whole body began to shake at the thought that this couldn’t go on anymore. And as she got colder, she pulled the sheets closer. Either this truth was for everyone, or it was for nobody.

While everything else seemed to fade to gray, she saw herself in black and white. Right and wrong. Clean and dirty. And she hung on to the latter. Her constant thoughts reminded her of how deep the darkness reached inside of her, and the deeper she went, the more aware she became of her fate if she continued trying to fix it. Although she liked the idea of it, grace was not an option for her. Her eyes could only see through the lens of earned and unearned privileges. Mercy was a fairytale and unconditional love was just a phrase thrown around by those who couldn’t handle the reality of being left alone. What she believed was inevitable, was becoming such for those around her as she tried harder and harder to convince them of something that was free for them, but reached it’s limit before it reached her. For while she did not buy into the fairytale ideas herself, she longed for others to believe it. They were not dirty, but were clean enough and deserving of the hope that was promised long ago. They were different than her. Like night and day.

She wondered if the end was in sight. Sometimes the tunnel stretched further than she wanted to believe and the distance in between began to convince her that the light was running in the opposite direction. Her running turned to stumbling, and if she stumbled long enough she knew it would turn into wandering. And maybe that’s what she needed. Direction had never been something she could hold on to. Although she screamed for it on a daily basis, it all seemed to slip through her fingers. Maybe it wasn’t as valuable as she had thought. It was not worthy of her trust. It wouldn’t save her. But she yelled anyway. Until her voice was gone. Until her head hurt from the redundancy.

She grew tired of spitting out the same words again and again so she opted to just swallowing them instead. She began to wonder where he went. But was reminded of what she had been told a hundred times. She was reminded of what she had regurgitated a million more times to others while trying to convince herself along the way. His strong and promising arms had been absent for so long now, and she knew better than to blame it on him. She had slipped out of them a long time ago and at this point had no idea how to crawl back into them.

She was sick of the sob stories. And tired of the quick answers for every question. She began to not want to hear the answers so she quit asking the questions. As each new day passed, there was not a whole lot of newness to go along with it. There was nobody to cast blame upon. And she lacked the effort to figure out the path that got her here. All of it lacked relevance at this point. It is what it is. She had become what she never thought she would be. Direction driven had driven her away. Her stumbling had become wandering.

She opened them just in time to feel her arms being violently lifted from her side. There was a man on each side of her with eyes that would not leave hers. She tried to look away but felt a hand under her chin force her to look him straight in the face. He stared at her with dark eyes that looked as if they had kept record of everything she had done. Dark eyes that saw her every deed. He opened his mouth and pulled her face closer until they were nearly nose to nose before exclaiming, “Whore!”

Her body froze at the sound of his voice, but soon began to tremble as each men pinned her outstretched arms to the wall behind her. With their other hand they each held a red permanent marker and they began to write vigorously on her palm. Then they moved to her wrists and then her arms and scribbled some more. Tears began to stream down her face as two women approached her with a marker in hand and began to cover her bare legs with red. She dared not open her mouth, but her face soaked with tears spoke what her mouth could not. One by one they took turns, and when they finally backed away, she turned her head to assess the damage.

“LIAR”. “CHEATER”. “SLUT”. “FRAUD”. These along with hundreds more littered her arm with red marker. When she turned the opposite way, her other arm and the rest of her body was marked by every sin she had committed. For the entire world to see. She was found out. Exposed. She pulled her head back and rested it on the wall behind her to catch her breath. She reached down on the ground and picked up one of the markers. The crowd watched with crossed arms and disgust dripping from their faces. She began to write across the front of her white tank top until she spelled out “ALONE” across her stomach. Now, she felt as if their nasty portrait was complete.

She lifted her head just enough to bring her eyes to meet their gaze. She knew why they were there. There didn’t need to be any writing on her wall of shame for her crime to be disclosed. Holding her breath, she clenched her fists to brace herself for their stones. Their whispers collided with her ears but bounced off of her hard exterior just as everything else always did. She lifted her chin in the air to make her stance clear. She would not give in. Nor would she be shaken. Their whispers couldn’t touch her. She was too far-gone to care. Until their whispers climbed to screams. Brutal and violent screams that could be heard throughout the town. At first, she could not make out a word of what they were saying. The cruelty of their voice overshadowed the ability to comprehend the words. As her eyes turned to stone, she found a place on the ground to focus on. Her gaze rested on a rock a few feet away from her. Still, she held her ground. Proudly.

Her weight shifted and their words became clear. They started to chant. And this time there was no mistaking the meaning of their words. Her head dropped and her knuckles began to whiten as she tightened her hands. With every word they threw, she felt her body breaking as if the words were rocks penetrating through her skin. She tried. So hard, to stay still. To stand in the midst of their accusations. But their hatred was too much. And her shame was too heavy. She knew what she was. She closed her eyes, and prayed to a God she never believed in that the stones would cease.

Stop trying so hard. I know you can’t stand to look away. I’m too attractive aren’t I? Don’t stare for too long, or you may catch on fire too. At least that’s what they tell you right? It’s not as bad you think. They’re always quick to blame me for everything, but they have me all wrong. Stay right here. Nobody can find you down here. Why would you want them to? They don’t need to know about this. It’s safer if you stay. The darkness will blend in with your stained clothing. The blood on your hands matches that of your hemorrhaging heart. Maybe you should bandage your scars with another lie. That seems to always work the best, doesn’t it? Nobody will notice the difference. Everything’s dirty around here, and you certainly fit right in. You belong here.

You’ve known it the whole time, haven’t you? This is where you are destined to end up, so why don’t you take a break from fighting. It can’t possibly hurt you any more than you have already hurt yourself. They don’t love you. Especially Him. Don’t you see it? He just wants to rob you of the life you want. He’s brainwashed you. Promises of faith, hope, and love. Tell me where has your faith gotten you? And what hope do you see in this world? My love is the only thing you need. Love protects, does it not? It’s dark here, but it will protect you more than He ever will.

Nobody has to know. Nobody has to see you. We both know that they would hate what they see. Especially Him. He’s too clean for you. To pure for the likes of somebody like you. I thought you understood that. But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, to remind you that your optimism is misleading your heart. It’s time to throw in the towel, my dear. Why don’t you just let go and see if anyone even notices you’ve slipped away.

She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it coming. If faith was believing in the unseen, then her faith was beginning to increase. There was no visible evidence, but the heaviness was enough to make her a believer. Some things you just don’t need to see because their presence is enough to make you throw up the white flag. She knew that to be true all to well. She had waved that flag to both sides of the unseen.

Be aware if you find her alone, because the darkness that surrounds her is quite contagious. Her closed heart was like a warning written on her forehead, to not come too close; otherwise you may become a believer as well. A believer that brokenness never goes away. Some things just can’t change, and the pain reminded her everyday. There was good out there. But there was also still evil. They were both so damn attractive and deceiving at the same time.

She woke every morning to recover from the night before with hopes of a new day. A new feeling. A new fate. A new heart. Hoping that maybe today she could trade her stained heart in for a clean one. But by 9:00am every day she was reminded that it wouldn’t leave. The shadow may not be as dark at times, but it certainly was still following her every move. Mocking her as she went on. Reminding her that her efforts were in vain. She was powerless. The world doesn’t care what pain it inflicts. Neither does the devil. Everything continues unaffected. As if death, heartache, injustice, and brutality are merely just a part of the plot. Everyone must carry on, because there is no other alternative. Or so she thought. She prayed there was a different way. If she closed one more door inside her heart, there would be no escape for the dark and no gateway for any kind of light. The shadows would stay locked away, only to be opened from the inside.

“I’m starting to believe the ocean is just like you. Because you give and you take away.”